After reading this classic book by Dale Carnegie, I realized that there were many things that I was already doing in situations of persuasion that I did not have names or ideas for yet. Many of these concepts are ideas that I have used before to win arguments, negotiations, or to get members of my team to cooperate with me. There were many examples of this over the course of the book, but here are the five that I chose:

(1) Talk in terms of what the other person wants, not what you do

People aren’t thinking about what the other person wants, unless it leads them to what they want. This is a simple concept. So when attempting to convince someone of something, or to bring them around to your way of thinking, it is always best to start from what they want. Show them how what you have is a key resource for them to achieve their goals, and solving their immediate and long term challenges. I have often used this when convincing people on teams or group projects with me to work fairly with others, knowing that they all want a good grade, and unfortunately, often do not want to work for it.

(2) Begin in a friendly way

When starting anything, be it an argument, a sales call, or any conversation where you want to convince someone to see things your way, you must start kindly. If you start off in a way that is in any way offensive, then the person will immediately be defensive, and you will not be able to recover from that. People don’t like to be told their problems, and made to feel like they cannot solve them by themselves. When selling something to someone that could help them achieve their goals, you need to start off in a way that shows you appreciate their skills and their capabilities, and that you have thought of a way to help amplify them. This way, the person or customer will be much more receptive to seeing the world from your point of view.

(3) Let the other person feel that the Idea is his or hers

Often, one of the only ways we will actually accept advice or constructive ideas from others is if we think we came to the idea ourselves. This way, we are most comfortable following the idea to its conclusion, because we don’t feel manipulated in any way, and the idea feels authentic to us. Finding a way to make someone feel that your idea is his or hers is a great way to help someone understand the value of whatever idea you are attempting to convince them of. For example, in high school, as a prefect, I had to get everyone to do their daily chores around the dorm, but nobody liked doing them. They were assigned to them in a daily rotation to make sure that it was always fair, which took away all elements of control. In order to make them more comfortable with doing the chores I needed them to, I gave everyone the option to choose the chore they wanted to do that evening. Once I gave them the element of choice, and they felt like cleaning this area or that one was at least partly their idea, the chores were done much more efficiently.

(4) Get the other person saying “Yes, Yes” Immediately

There is concept in psychology called “priming” which basically states that you can influence a persons pattern of thoughts by saying certain words repeatedly before asking them a question. This also works by getting them to say certain words, and priming them to be in an agreeable state of mind by asking them questions for which you know the answer is yes. When a person is in a more agreeable state of mind, they are more likely to follow the pattern and continue to answer “yes.”

(5) Body Language is Important

Often, we neglect the impact that simple things have on our ability to ingratiate ourselves with others. If we take the time to make eye contact, smile, and ever so slightly copy the mannerisms of the person we are talking to, we have a higher chance to be seen in a positive light.

While these were the ideas that stood out to me the most, there were many more ideas that I learned while reading this. After finishing this book, I honestly believe that my capability to “win friends and influence people” has definitely improved.